I love sex.
Not just any sex though.
Not the "sex for sport" of current times that has the gladiators in the online virtual dating arena jockeying for position, championship, or ultimate "victory".
I often ponder when "dating" became predominantly about DTF-ing, FWB-ing, GTG-ing, NSA's and clandestine hook-ups; when "Netflix and chill" and "hang and bang" became the soup de jour, yet more so...why?
Honestly, what I know to be true is that overall, we are a culture starved for something much deeper, whether we're ready to admit it or not. And not just those active in the online dating scene. As a global society, we are craving much deeper satisfaction, satiation and fulfillment in our relating and relationships, with many not knowing the how, or the why.
As someone who loves the balanced physicality and the emotional exploration of coming together with a vetted, present and attentive partner for fun, enjoyable and truly satisfying connection, it's become obvious to me that one of the primary reasons the online dating space has become more like a warped, adults-only version of Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory on steroids, is that we haven't been taught well enough - if at all - how to reconcile, integrate and express our emotions with our innate physical desire to connect.
To end our proverbial starvation and alleviate our cravings for "empty physical calories", we must be willing to admit to ourselves that it's not only OK to have our emotional needs and desires, but at times, it's necessary to share them and want others to share theirs with us. To feel safe to do so, and in doing so, we grow, expand and truly flourish.
A new friend summed this up perfectly for me in a recent exchange when he said, "Sex as sport, as fun as it is and can be, leaves me unsatiated; like having popcorn for dinner."
Hey, I love me some popcorn, but I totally agree with him; for dinner, or to try to curb a craving for something requiring much more substance, it falls short and leaves me hungry for more.
Now, don't get me wrong: everyone has total choice and the right to do what they want to do, when they want to do it and for whatever reason they have for doing so. Because our life choices and experiences actually are what teach us the most and provide us such valuable feedback and clarity, I'm all for exploration.
But the sooner we can come to terms with our individual needs, truth, desires, dreams, etc, regardless what anyone else thinks, then the sooner we can stop behaviors that don't actually help us have them come to be. Telling ourselves the truth about our unique desires and then adhering to whatever actions are most beneficial to them coming about is the name of the game.
As a woman who has sowed some seriously wild oats, tried on a plethora of roles, played in numerous playgrounds with quite the array of playmates, pushed boundaries, experimented, etc., I now know that all of it helped me more definitively know what I truly enjoy, desire and am choosing to have as my intimate reality. Because of my exploits without emotional connection and intimacy, I am very clear that physical connection is SO much better with it, than without. Think about your "snack" food vs. your "ultimate fave meal". There's an epic difference in satiation levels!
But I also know that I had to become very comfortable with my emotions, and allow myself to speak what I feel led to. To ask for what I feel or want. I'm responsible for my own emotional management and mastery, but if I'm going to invite someone into my physical, intimate space, it's important that I feel safe to express myself fully. And I expect to be the space for my partner to be able to do and be the same, should he choose to.
Hell, I want my guy to be able to be open and expressive to the degree he feels willing. I'm no longer DTF or FWB material if we can't actually connect outside the boudoir, or don't want to. That's just, well...popcorn these days...and not even the savory, buttery kind that's finger-lickin' delish.
Talking further with my friend
quoted earlier, I asked him his thoughts on the subject of emotional connection between men and women in the whole "sex for sport"
He shared openly with me that men fear not having control; that exposing their inner thoughts/dreams/nightmares will cause them to lose their sense of control, as well as to potentially lose respect in their woman's eyes. As much as this saddens me to read and to hear, I'm aware of it, and have been, yet know there's so much more possible and available. That's why I do what I do, day in and day out - personally and professionally.
While I recognize the perfection in the universe's design, and fully trust that our individual journey within the framework of our own lives is definitely ours to explore, learn, design and implement, it's my heart's desire to remind people that we each are here to become masterful with our own "inner landscape". That when we no longer allow the old, outdated stories and beliefs to run our daily lives and responses to life, then we actually have the greatest shot at living a life from spiritual accuracy, vs. human "conditioning". This affords us being able to generate an amazing life, living and loving - on terms that work for us, where we are right now.
Here are 5 things you can begin to consider and play with to get out of the gauntlet of "sex for sport" and any other scenarios that you might like to change for yourself:
1. Be honest with yourself about what you feel right now regarding sex and dating. (Are you acquiescing to get what you want thinking it will make you happier, only to wind up further away from what truly satisfies you? Tell yourself the honest truth about what you really want. Doesn't matter what it is, be honest and be willing to allow yourself to have it. Clarity breeds certainty, which activates more accurate desired outcomes.)
2. Identify what is most and truly important to you in dating/relationship scenarios. (Likes, dislikes, preferences, non-negotiable's, etc. Make your lists of what you're ideally looking for, and to experience/feel/have. Evaluate your lists and again, be honest about the emotional space you're creating them from. Like, "Don't go grocery shopping when you're hungry," the same holds true for your preferences. Be in a positive, content space when you're looking at this for yourself.)
3. Do your inner work on your own emotions and feelings about relationships in general. (Are you still carrying baggage from previous relationships? Are you placing blame or being defensive about previous occurrences? "Clean your own house" and watch the quality of what you can attract rise to match the improved state. This, to some degree, is always going on - it's never a "one and done" thing.)
4. Allow yourself to explore and experiment if that's what you feel called to do. (How do you know if you do or don't like cherry pie if you don't try it? Same goes with so many aspects of life and dating. Try things out if you feel like it, and don't judge yourself for what it might be, or how it might play out. It's information and feedback.)
5. Analyze what you learned from step 4. (Take the data, aka the feedback you received from experimenting and pick it apart. How did it feel when you chose whatever you chose? Before, during, after? What did you notice about yourself? About the other party or parties? What do you want to experience from this point now? Be a thorough and honest examiner.)
I look forward to knowing that the next time this subject comes up, we're each one step, or many steps closer to truly having the dating, mating and sex that works undeniably well for us, in the most satisfying and delightful ways.
As always, I'm here to help and it would be my honor, privilege and absolute pleasure to be a resource for you.
Rhonda Burns is a Relationship & Intimacy Coach, specializing in conscious communication practices to help cultivate confidence, competence and courage, for soul-satisfying connection - in AND out of the bedroom. Rhonda invites you to book a complimentary discovery session today.
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