*This is a true story.*
Sitting at a 4-top table in the middle of a crowded restaurant at the height of a brunch rush in Uptown, she was smiling across the table at her friend as her friend excitedly shared her good news.
They liked to meet every few weeks in person to share, clear things that didn’t feel good, generate new ideas and creations, celebrate, explore and just enjoy the company of one another. The two of them together were powerful energies and generated a great deal of transformation and inspiration in short amounts of time. Their nature is quite jovial, enthusiastic and the both of them always have a smile on their face. They just radiate joy.
As her friend was pouring out her excitement cross from her, she herself sat rigidly, churning inside. Doing her best to stay focused, present and mirroring her friend’s happiness, she didn’t want to lose the thoughts that she wanted to share once it was her turn. Between the smell of rich, bold coffee and decadent pancakes wafting through the air, and the server taking their order of scrumptious breakfast options while filling their drink glasses with cold beverages, she fidgeted and smiled a little too forcefully, feeling more and more ready to burst with the questions she was holding as she waited for her opening.
Once their food arrived and they began to enjoy, the conversation opened up space and it was now her time to share. She took a deep breath and tried to steady her voice as she exhaled and spoke in one streaming breath, “I’m still so frustrated. I’ve been asking if my time here is complete. I don’t want to be here anymore if this is how my life is to continue. It’s been the longest period of difficulty without true relief and I just can’t take it anymore.”
Deep emotion and tears just under the surface welled up as she poured out more of the reasons she felt so frustrated and ready to consider leaving the planet.
Her friend looked at her deeply and just held her gaze while she squirmed her way through her thoughts and her feelings. As she finished her stream of words and took another deep breath, her friend could feel the angst going on inside.
Her friend started to ask her questions about what she’d just shared (they have permission to always ask and coach one another – it’s one of their standing agreements they hold) and over her plate of hot Migas (a traditional Mexican breakfast dish consisting of corn tortilla strips fried on a pan or griddle until almost crispy, to which eggs are then added to create a scrambled egg/fried tortilla mixture), she burst into tears when the answer came bubbling forth from the depth of her. Dabbing her eyes with the paper napkin, she allowed the tears to flow out as she knew this was the info she’d been dancing around for a very long time. It mattered not that they were in the middle of a bustling restaurant filled with patrons; it only mattered that she allow this deep truth to be shown here and now.She knew she was safe with her friend and that if she let this unconscious, deeply buried belief be known, she would have another level of freedom she’d been desiring so badly.
The one thing she loved to be and do most of all was the one thing she was struggling with the most and when she wasn’t able to be and do that, she didn’t want to be here anymore.
Think of it like the air we breathe or the water we drink. If we can’t have those “life-sustaining” things, the quality of life deteriorates and we speed up our mortality; we die more quickly than we need or want to. One of the life-giving and soul-fulfilling ways of being for her had been cut off and she was dying – killing the very part of her that was so vital and so necessary to a thriving life here - emotionally, physically, energetically and financially.
She was ready to give up on this life because for a very long time, she’d been struggling, working really diligently and “very hard” on turning around what felt like a sinking ship of a life. She had a “boat-load” of tools, techniques and intellectual wisdom, yet no matter what she did to attract the life she desired – putting all her “working knowledge” into place, the things she desired most were still not flowing in.
When she worked with others, their lives always increased, got better and their dreams became reality. They made more money, their business increased, they found their lovers and people genuinely loved and appreciated all she was and all she did with them. It seemed as though everyone was gaining from the benefit of her gifts, but her! Knowing what she knew about the universe always matching what vibration is emitted, she was unsure and lost about what was in place that was bringing her formerly robust and powerfully fulfilling life to an all but complete halt. Her desires were SO huge and SO profound and she wanted them SO deeply that it was painful and torturous on most days because she was at a loss as to how to create positive momentum. Her friend asked her to clarify one thing which was, “Do you not want to be here in this life any longer, or simply not if these conditions continue?” To which she responded, “The conditions.”
It wasn’t just one area that wasn’t working for her, but basically ALL but one or two major areas was stagnate and at a standstill. She was still not in a relationship that she deeply desired (romantic love), she wasn’t able to consistently and often do the work she loved to do (professionally), she had created herself out of her life savings and all her financial resources and had become so monetarily deficient that she didn’t know how she was going to pay her rent or buy groceries some months (money), she was ready to leave the home she’d been renting for years (physical domain), yet she wasn’t financially able to do so and she felt trapped and without choice and her body was heavier and larger than she knew was her ideal body size and shape, although nothing she had chosen to date had allowed her to permanently let go of the excess weight (body). Her 200+ attempts to create revenue through securing other employment opportunities were met with “Thank you, but no thank you” and she fell deeper into despair (while maintaining a smile on her face to the outside world). She felt like she had nowhere to go and no way to change it. Rock bottom was hitting her in the face and wringing her inside out - relentlessly. She was wrung out and done hanging on.
She’d read the stories of many other leaders and teachers and their plights of rags to riches, of their hero’s journeys and she’d been “holding on” with the hope she’d be able to discover hers before too long. In fact, that very morning of the day of her meeting her friend, while in meditation, she had a sense that this might actually be the beginning of her true “comeback story” – although the ending had yet to be written as she was still smack dab in the middle of it all, she was willing to allow it to unfold.
The emotional movement she felt in that conversation was the first glimmer of hope she’d had in a very long while. So when her friend asked her to clarify something that seemed to only be coming from her “mental” state (her head), rather than her whole body and connecting through emotions (her heart), the words that erupted from her core, from her very soul were both a surprise and a very familiar truth, “I’d just love them. I just love. It’s all I’ve ever known or wanted.” (She’d previously been using a word to describe what she wanted to offer/do/be for the world that she didn’t CONNECT with, although it matched what she was attempting to be and do personally and professionally. Once she found the actual word, energy and emotion of what she truly desired to be and do, all the gates were able to unlock and open up.) To simplify it, it's as though she'd been going through life portraying herself and acting like an orange, when the truth of her and her brilliance was that she was really a banana. Both fruit, both life-giving, but totally unique in their characteristics and how they impact, influence and yes, how different they appeal or taste.
As the tears flowed faster and with more volume, she let them come. Because sitting in that crowded uptown restaurant, she saw the “divider” – the wall or partition that she’d put in place all those years ago as a child because “loving people as purely and as deeply and divinely as she was there to love wasn’t met with receptivity or kindness.
She also spoke the words that were the thoughts she’d had when she put the divider in place: “It won’t work.” She’d seen and experienced first-hand that being her true undiluted nature (perhaps a banana) at that time wasn’t working and the path of least resistance for her was to put the wall in place – to remove part of herself from the equation of life (and act like an apple or an orange instead).
That was the hidden belief she’d been unable to see, know or understand until this moment. Every step she’d taken to clear out unconscious beliefs that kept her from having her biggest and boldest life led her to this moment – to this love divider/wall – and she was now ready to acknowledge it and remove it.
Of course “life wasn’t working for her”…she’d built her subconscious program to function from: “It won’t work” and “You being the love you are isn’t okay here.”
As her friend held that space and smiled across the table at her, her friend started to list all the things that she knew her friend loved: “You love everything, and everyone and every experience; you love the birds, the trees, the planet, the earth, the people, the bodies, the animals, the learning, the possibilities, the well, simply – EVERYTHING. You are a LOVER.” (And this type of pure divine love is without attachment and without expectation or demand.) And with that proclamation, they both exhaled powerfully and began to laugh together. “Yes! I AM A LOVER. I’ve ALWAYS been a lover. I care so deeply, SOOOO much. I’ve only ever wanted to love and share it and be able to BE it. It’s who I am. It’s what I’m from. And it’s what I know.”
Saying it all out loud, allowing that wall to crumble, she could feel the malaise begin to unwind. She knew she didn’t have to figure it all right then and there. She knew she didn’t have to know all the answers in that moment. What she did know, what she chose to reclaim and proclaim once again was: “I am a lover.” And she knew all the walls, the places, the spaces and the protective mechanisms that she’d unknowingly put or kept in place all these years were now dissolving.
It’s no wonder her life had come to a seemingly screeching halt. She’d been attempting to create her life from a partial part of herself. In fact, the very nature of who she was and is, and all she’d ever wanted to be and create from and as, was locked behind a wall and was put away for “safe keeping”. She loved that her friend re-framed for her and brought to her attention how brilliant she was as that child to simply “put her love and part of her behind that wall” rather than get rid of it entirely. She knew from the larger part of herself that the best part of her was worth keeping – it wasn’t destroyed, it was just put away. That was a potent re-frame and acknowledgment!
When the whole self wants to be known and shown in the world, the parts and parcels that may have been cut off must reintegrate to create a life of total well-being.
If we’re trying to function as a pseudo part of us, almost like having phantom limbs or even functioning in life with missing appendages, life doesn’t work as easily or as effortlessly. (Neither is acting as an apple or an orange when you're really a banana.)
When those really big desires that have been nesting and brewing over the years become painfully chafed and rub us raw like an ill-fitting pair of shoes or pants, we can know with certainty that there’s most likely something out of “whack” or in the way of our divine alignment that needs to be cleared and released. If you’ve ever experienced a kink in a water hose or a clog in the drain of a sink, it’s like that – things can’t flow naturally and effortlessly because there’s something in the way of it being so.
As source-created beings here, we are designed to be aligned with our true nature (source) and feel good as a result of that alignment and natural flow. When things don’t feel good, or aren’t flowing, you can bet your bottom dollar there’s a kink in the flow, or a block in place that’s keeping the natural flow from moving.
Because if we can desire it, it’s ours to have. Without fail. It’s how we are designed and it’s how the universe expands.
We simply have to be the open and clear channel to emit the frequency aka broadcast signal to magnetize and attract our desires. When there is a block, or a diversion (limiting belief or thought counter to our true desire), our desires don’t come in easily or at all. Hers was her true loving nature and simply wanting to contribute and serve the world with, as, from and through love – without the running theme, “it won’t work”. Yours might and most likely is something different or varied, and your journey is to know how you’re here to be – what your most natural essence and expression is.
You see, many of us cognitively and intellectually know things about our childhoods or our past that we may have created and many of us have worked to clear the beliefs and thoughts about it. Yet, some of these core “wounds” or “beliefs” were put into place to keep us from fragmenting or being harmed more than was potentially going on at the time. This isn’t about going looking for wounds, or limitations and hidden beliefs.
This is about recognizing patterns or themes in your life that may be reoccurring causing areas of your life to be less than ideal or perhaps, not working at all.
And not until you’re ready to find them and release them, will you be able to do so. None of us is actually screwed up or broken. Quite the opposite, in fact. Our beings - our higher selves/souls powerfully have our backs and they keep us moving in the direction of our greatest good. They keep us on our path to the places we’re here to go and the things we’re here to experience. They are continually showing us where course correction is necessary to live our most joyful, exuberant, brilliant and beautiful lives – effortlessly and with massive ease. When life “ain’t ease” and is “off the rails”, that’s our soul’s way of reminding us we’re not lined up with the true essence and full expression of who we truly are. ‘Get right’ with you is the message! (Or, be the banana you truly be!)
As she and her friend were winding down their time in that now less than noisy and busy restaurant after being there for a few hours, her friend asked her how she felt about not being here on the planet. As the smile crept across her face softly, she looked into her friends eyes and said, “I’m not going anywhere. I’m a lover and I’ve got loving to be for a while. Thank you.” (There's now one more proud, flag-flying banana in the world.)
*This is a true story.
**If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide or self-harm, please seek professional assistance. Please don't ever presume to know what someone is going through.
Rhonda Burns is a Relationship & Intimacy Coach, specializing in conscious communication practices to help cultivate confidence, competence and courage, for soul-satisfying connection - in AND out of the bedroom. Rhonda invites you to book a complimentary discovery session today: firstname.lastname@example.org.
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