Walking into my bathroom and staring at my reflection in the mirror after finally unchaining myself from the desk where I unleashed the years of pent-up rage, I remember saying to the woman in the mirror, “Really? Is this all there is?” Thinking about all the
“trappings of worldly success” I’d accumulated – the cars, the large newly constructed house, the toys, the money, the social circle, the new baby boy, the husband, the “white picket fence reality”- total privilege, I know – I uttered the words aloud, “If this is all there is, I want out.”
And that’s when I knew. I knew I would either die, or I would change it all. Nope, didn’t have a clue how to with either choice, but inside, it really was, “Change or die.” It was a profound choice-point and obviously from the fact you’re reading this right now, you can deduce what I chose. However, I actually did both. Just not in the way you might think of “die”. I died many deaths from that moment forward and I still do today.
Deaths of old norms, old ways of thinking, old ways of stifling my voice, my creativity, my passions, desires and dreams, and old borrowed and bought beliefs that ensured I could never fulfill what I was here to fulfill, or experience.
Choosing to chart a course in your own direction, without a trusted, tried and true example to follow is a scary proposition, I know. Stepping out from the “norms” and the “mainstream” in order to follow a dream, a vision, or a compelling personal urgent calling can be daunting. However, what I know first-hand to be more scary is to wake up one day with sheer and utter dissatisfaction and discontent for what “is” and to think that more of the same awaits us in the coming hours, days, weeks, months and years if we continue to choose to repeat the patterns.
I’d like to tell you that my journey out of that place and space was smooth, finely ‘coiffed’ and professionally done, but that would be a big-a** lie! It was messy, chock-full of emotions that kept me raw and I felt like nothing I said or did was “right”. But what that experience showed me was that even with the gut-wrenching pain, the overwhelming struggle and the drowning emotional waves that seemed like they’d never relent, I was stronger and more capable than I’d ever been given credit for, or given myself credit for.
That was more than 10 years ago now and the countless experiences, challenges, situations and both inner and outer dialogue I have chosen, created, witnessed, spoken and encountered has been nothing short of awe-inspiring; miraculous at times even. It’s also been the ugliest of the ugly and the most magnificent of the pristine and gorgeous. But the bottom line is this: it’s been deliberately chosen and deliberately created, even and most certainly the crappy parts.
Deliberate, conscious creation is a courageous and audacious undertaking. Yet, it’s actually what we are here for; each of us. I’m forever grateful for those who’ve come before me and cleared some of the paths, so that I could learn and know this for myself. I can’t imagine how treacherous that must have been in previous times. And knowing that I am here to ‘pay-it-forward’ in my own manner, I have proudly taken up that torch and am lighting the paths forged before me, as well as clearing new terrain in my own way for future generations and the current generations ‘waking up’.
Gorgeous, if you have any part of you that’s asking to be tended to, to be spoken to, to be released, transformed, healed or nurtured in any way, I encourage you to do whatever it takes to do so – today. Starting right now, would you be willing to ask yourself, “What does my soul/being/essence/spirit require of me today to be the truest expression of me, right away?” Then quiet yourself; be still and wait. Listen for the whispers and know that what you seek IS within and you will become known to you. Is now the time?
Until next time, my beautiful, exquisite friend, know that I appreciate and adore you and if you would like to join me in any of the current play spaces I have open, please do so. You can find out more info below and on the website. New stuff is being added all the time, so stay tuned. With all my heart.
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